Benedick Starts to Write

09… teet… teet (a higher pitch than the previous one) this cellphone makes distracting sounds as I dial familiar number.

Ring… ring… ring… At last the phone rung at the other end.

Ring… ring… ring… I’ve starting to have this feeling that things won’t go as I expect them to be.

“… … … is either unattended or out of coverage area.” Curse this automated answer whenever I dial an unattended number.

“Kuya ba’t dika mapakali?” my cousin Eric inquired.

“I don’t know… pano ko ba siya makikita”

“puntahan mo kaya sa kanila”

“nope, it doesn’t work that way”

Buzz… buzz… buzz…

Received a message from an unknown number, do I really have a choice but to read the semi-anonymous message, well aside from ignoring and deleting it into oblivion. “I saw you a while ago, I didn’t bother coz you’re having fun with your cousins. It would’ve been impolite if you’d leave them for me”.

Whoa, “she’s here” if only she knew how much I wanted to see her. Sending a reply would take me too much time, it’s better if I’d call again

Ring… ring… ring…

“hello” a female voice

“can I talk to you”

Some commotion and she hunged-up Dumbstruck, why wouldn’t she talk to me, I really can’t find a reason for her not to.

“It’s me, can I talk to you?” a return message I just sent to clear things out.

Buzz… buzz… buzz… (An immediate reply)

“Who are you?” She doesn’t see to know me and there’s something weird about her number.

Ring… ring… ring… (calling again)

“Hello?” the same female voice

“Do you know my cousin Mac-mac?”

“Yeah, I do know Marco?”

“OK, thank you” then I hunged up. I remembered my cousin texted someone a while ago.

Frustration crawling up my skin “Mac, somebody texted you” Ironic I found a smile envelope my cousins face.

[November 2, 2007 | November's Solistle]

(A Letter for her to read)

“When will you love me?” (She asked)
“What?” (Me with a look)
“I said, when would you love me?”
“Oh…” yet I do not understand why she asks questions like this. “When I am already free, when I am ready wherein I can face every person without hesitation”
“When, When I am already gone?”
“Are you OK, where are you going at?”
“Do you really love me?”
“Of course, I do, and why…are…?”
She snapped, “That’s not true, I can’t feel you”
… Nothing …
“Then it’s true you don’t love me”.
“Why am I here, I can’t treat you like the way you wanted…” it is not that I will not but I simply can’t “I am not like him, them.”
“I have given you everything I can give, isn’t it enough”
… Nothing again …
“I can’t go on like this. If the person you’re fighting for doesn’t appreciate you, where would I put myself, yes, you said you love me but why can’t I feel you, I’m so in love with you, please tell me why?
“I am very sorry, I don’t want you to feel like that, I love you, I can create many words, sentences even but I would still end up saying I LOVE YOU, why would you not feel me.. I don’t know…but…” pause “maybe because I have this past, I’ve already told you about it”
“When would you love me? When can I feel you?”
“When I am already free and can stand on my own feet”
“You’re not answering my question”
… Is she even listening …
“When is that, do I deserve this, this is what I have feared your controlling yourself as if you’re afraid of being hurt again, I am not like her, your afraid of doing the same thing again because you don’t want yourself hurt”
“It’s not like that” though it is true
“It is not what I see, I am not her, why can’t you just forget about her, and can you not just let it go.”
“OK, would you want yourself hurt when you knew you did the same thing not just once but thrice and the results is just the same”
“Then you’re really, oh my…. I don’t want this”
“Please I really love you”
“That’s not true”
“I am telling the truth, do you want me to lie. This is hard, I am bad at explaining things like these, that is the truth, that is supposed to be enough, but its not. Tell me what are the words to make you believe, that I do”
“I don’t know”

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“Why are you here?” Then she changed her attention to the cell phone she’s holding
“Are you waiting for someone?”
“Yes, I’m waiting for him, I texted him, I told him I want to see him”
“Who?” though I already knew the answer
“He’s coming, he rented some motorcycle so he could get here, I though he’s here but he’s not”
This can’t be right “Lakad tayo”
“Where, I wont go with you”
“Please”
“No”
“Please”
“You’ve turned your back on me, why would I come with you, para lang talikuran mo ulit ako”
“Well talk”
“No”

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10:55 PM
October 28, 2007 

So this is the freedom I have been talking about, this cannot be it. This is not what I wanted. I have been so reckless.
But
I LOVE YOU
I really do…
In mind, body and soul
A thousand words but still with the same meaning,
Would still end up in I LOVE YOU
I am sorry I am not free
I…
Not words
Not even actions
yet I do

[October 28, 2007 | Evening]