Benedick Starts to Write

I have no choice. No options worth taking. Time is almost due, the moment so critical is approaching and I cannot muster myself to take the path, for I must break again, for such a long time, never but yet again. What words must I say to stir this idle inside of me, to energize the flesh and commit the actions I should’ve made.

This shadow consumes me. Daylight is a step back away, a single turn.

Release me, guide me, and show me as you have done before.

I need you, I desperately need you.

[Having problems | Searching for Money]

There is definitely something, rather really interesting, being confused, anxious, and vague for a split second, only to resent after it passes. Then you stop, you wish to go back, do what you should have done, to turn around only to see it’s too late or by now too weak to continue.

How hard to come to a decision, even as temptation is immense, but would not fall, not yet.

Unfaithful, is it faith, its antagonist, being faithful what does it mean? Is it a tag to those who have been challenged, who made nearly such but chose not to, or those who have blinded themselves to forcefully abstain from their carnal self. Is it pure, if such how can one know if the contrary is not known without taint.

Exhausting for the answers, it eludes, how can it feel so right yet crush with guilt. Falling without resolution, surging all out of me, filling my veins with pleasure, I do not know if right or wrong or is it pain.

The moment comes… still uncertain.

This somewhat of a sting I have not felt for a long time, my lungs near my throat , no more than once in innocence… no, only to a single person no other…

Why do I feel it now? Why you? Why?

[12:30 PM February 4, 2009 | In house riddling]

It all started when i saw a beautiful hazel glow near the window, a lady by the curtains, i weren’t interested to listen in class that day, so i began looking and started liking, suddenly the class started to be more fascinating.

I gave her a note praising here eyes and her smile. it took sometime to make my first move to give it to her.

Wow to my amazement she accepted it, it was like YES FINAALY, i gave another note and she said “thank you”. It felt really good, made my heart warmer, then words grew longer, i gave them more meaning, it became letters.

But theres this wall, big, wide and tall, i guess i am too gentle to be able to break it, lest even dare.

she had long hair, nice eyes and a mysterious smile, in short she was beautiful but alas she was gifted with fast, cute small feet eager to back away, ran away.

and the smiles became rarer,

the eyes lost their glow,

then her lips ceases to smile,

it amde a downward curve marking where the smile once have been.

then the final blow and guess what, it really hurts, welcome to the club.

this one last try, one hopeless shot, coz i never did have the chance to say this upfront, i hate rushing things, i’d feel lying for i didn’t get to know you first. forgive me miss “I LOVE YOU” and i really do, i hope time would be kinder next time.

[Definition of Love, an Example | Farewell to my Pyschology Classmates]

There was this activity to add spice in how to introduce ourselves, there were about seven male students in the class and since we have to paired up i have no partner, luckily the female students are also odd in numbers so i had to paired up with her, and on the activity i managed to write this.

——–

Touching the fine gained paper marked with horizontal lines as if a magnetic force pulls me not to go beyond it, my blood marks itself as it oozes out of my body, symbols, characters then syllables creating ideals, messages as i embodied my masters wishes

I am also capable of showing emotions although not of mine but of his. Soft, tender and light words when he is carefreee and happy with gentle strokes and fine lines, and when is sad, alone and lonely, i blot characters, let me cry for he would not he must remain strong and when he is mad, forbid him not, swings me so wildly that his tense and fury be released and that his conviction set in stone.

I once remembered how he wrote his first love letter he tried hard to make himself convincing to make every syllables resonate with his meaning. Paper after paper, crumpled, some torn and thrown yet no matter how he exhaust himself words came about shy, innocent and unknowing, should i have the capabilities to change that i would, but this is enough i can only be him and no other.

For i am my masters avatar, his sword, his pen and this is my memoir.

[Knowing other people in my Psychology Class | 8:22 AM 19th of June]